Are you ever just overwhelmed by the horrifying thought that maybe, nobody ACTUALLY wants you around? And it’s not that you think everyone hates you, but it’s just that you’re not special to anyone? And that its really kind of sucky that you’re about 98% sure that nobody thinks “Wow, I just really like talking to her.” and that you could probably just disappear without anyone caring that much?
There was a time I would have followed
you anywhere, do you know that?
What I would have done to be the thread
dangling from your favourite shirt,
for you to morph into my overhead luggage
and come see the world with me,
compare ourselves to Rome’s ruins
and wear black in Paris, speak French softly.
I’d run my eyes over monstrous skylines
with your fingers tangled in my hair,
those fingers the only souvenir I’d need
to remind me of every city.
Now you are a stranger and I am terrified
of even brushing shoulders with you.
I see your face explode into a laugh
I know so well but feel so detached from it,
as if I’m watching you through a window
three timezones away.
Your mouth is a ring of fire and the
flames were lit on the equator.
If you rang I’d dodge your phone call,
if we were in the same grocery store
I’d pretend I didn’t see you.
I would have done anything to be
the thread dangling from your favourite shirt,
but today I can barely mumble a hello.
Now, I would travel five light years
to scrub the grit from the
underside of a star if it meant
I didn’t have to see you and be
reminded of all that
Have you ever hated yourself that even looking at yourself in the mirror hurts and you’re just filled with sadness and all you can do is sleep because sleep is the closet thing to not feeling anything for a while
Ellen is just the greatest person alive.